Shark Night 3D

a film by David R. Ellis

There are certain films that you just know from the so-called get-go are not going to be great works of cinematic art. I don't think it would take a genius to realize a movie called Shark Night 3D is one of those films. Now granted, many of these films can be, if not works of great art, quite enjoyable indeed, and the aspect of 3D, though annoying and quite unnecessary in most cases, has a sort of pick-me-up advantage to a certain type of movie. Unfortunately though, unlike fun 3D films like Drive Angry, the recent remake of My Bloody Valentine and the gender-same Piranha 3D, Shark Night 3D is merely (and here is where the puns begin in earnest) dead in the water.

Shark Night 3D (and one must add the 3D because that is all this movie has going for it) is the story of a group of typical douchebaggie college kids (Sir! Each stereotype accounted for! Sir!) who head for the hills (actually the home of the supposed sexiest of the aforementioned douchebagie college kids) to party like it's 1999 (a reference that is merely my lame way of showing my age). Of course, as some of these kids go out on the disarmingly peaceful, still lake to do some waterboarding (the sport played on the waves, not the Dick Cheney goodtime weekend), wouldn't ya know it, a fucking shark shows up and eats someone's arm. Bummer man, bummer. Not exactly helping the rather shitty PR that our fine cartilaged friends already have. Then again, the movie is called Shark Night, not Cute Little Otter Night (though I would probably pay to see a movie about flesh eating otters - in 3D of course).

Attempting a sort of a hybrid of the aforementioned Piranha and the inexplicably popular subgenre of torture porn (though, another pun incoming, a watered-down PG-13 version of such), as well as tossing in the cable-defined love of TV's Shark Week ("live every week like it's Shark Week") stuntman turned director David R. Ellis of the wonderfully-named but poorly-executed Snakes on a Plane fame (as well as a few of the seemingly innumerable Final Destination series) ends up like a fish out of water (told ya the puns would keep coming) and makes about the unscariest scary movie this critic has ever seen. We do get to see some pretty hilarious 3D moments involving gigantic killer sharks and stupid douchebaggie college kids though. We also get to see 3D technology used on appropriately buoyant co-ed tits and asses as well. What more can one ask for - well, other than an enjoyable movie. [09/07/11]